Struggle with Mental Illness

I want to vent about something I saw on Dr. Phil last week. I was watching an episode about a couple who used a surrogate mother to conceive. After giving birth to twins, she decided to keep the babies. I am not upset about the decision to keep the children, as it would be tough to carry 2 babies then give them up. However, I am upset about one of her reasons for keeping the children.

She stated that one for the reasons she refuses to give them to the intended couple is that the woman has a mental illness. Now, this illness is being controlled by a psychiatrist and medication and has been for 9 years.

Some people know this and some do not, but I have dealt with a mental illness for almost 20 years. It has been controlled off and on by medication for the past 15 years. I suffer from 2 forms of depression – clinical depression (which is your basic depression) and Season Affective Disorder (SAD). What that means, in a nutshell, is this. The sun helps the brain produce serotonin, which is one of the chemicals that regulate emotion, sleep and appetite. My brain doesn’t produce enough generally. In the winter, due to the lack of sunlight, the production drops dramatically causing irritability, difficulty controlling emotions, poor sleep, increased appetite, fatigue and a list of other problems.

What this means for me is that I am exhausted all the time, I lack motivation to do things, I don’t want to leave my house, I am forgetful and lose the ability to concentrate, and most days I don’t want to get out of bed. I end up losing contact with my friends and family and I treat them badly. Some of my friends and family know this and understand, but others don’t so I have lost friendships along the way. I almost lost my job a couple of years ago. Medication helps greatly, as long as I see the signs in the fall. I have also worked with a councillor which has allowed me to reduce my dosage, and hopefully will allow be for be off them completely.

I think the reason that this upsets me so much is that saying that women with a mental illness should not be mothers brings out all the doubts I’ve had for years. I have always wondered if I should bring a child into this world to deal with a mother who will seem withdraw sometimes. When Mike and I struggled to conceive, I thought that we weren’t meant to have a child. I am so scared that I will mess up Kiera’s life, and that she will suffer from the same illnesses I do. I have struggled to be patient with her and myself, to make sure I am up for her and play with her, even when all I want to do is stay in bed. I am making it work. In fact, I think having her to think about is forcing me to get up and be present in my life. I have her to thank for getting me through another winter and she is only 6th months old.

How dare someone say that I cannot be a good mother just because I suffer from a mental illness! It’s because I am a mother that I am able to work on my illness and not let it affect my life.